Airplane Ride....

Leather seats and warm sheets

An airplane ride from Tampa to Germany,

Every 8th graders dream

My mother above me counting heads,

6 packed suitcases that she had double checked .

Our return to India was planned for mid-July

Packing the holiday homework

Gone were the crayons that dirtied the Carpet

My sister and I's cat chase

The Tears that ricochet

Over the bidding of the place where my sister stays

What is the flaw of a smile?

Mine slipped away like slime

That whole airplane ride

I cried

Not because of the sadness I felt for leaving the place

But because of the man inching closer to my face on the plane.

Sometimes I stay up at night,

And wonder if I

Gave him the wrong signal

Or was it just the man

Who felt the need to mingle

With a child not even half his age?

Wasn’t he like 50?

I don't recall being chatty

Why did you treat me like I was up

For charity?

Was it a game?

Every second my eyes went black

It was your chance to touch my back

Even if I tried to slide away

I was stuck in that chair for the day

I kept clinging onto my mama,

Pinching her feet,

Hoping she would listen when I said

“I think we should swap our seats”

Was that all it was to you?

Just some good old fun?

You kept touching my pants

Till you were done

There was no escape

Was already out of luck

The touch of your hand-

From my cheeks,

To the back of the ear,

To my feet

it wasn't that I was unmanned,

just didn't know i was going to be harassed .

Did you not understand my refusal?

Was it not clear?

I didn’t ask for it

What hint could I have given you

To make you stop treating me like a tissue

Which you used...

reused....

And then threw.

It was middle school

My teachers taught me many things

But they never taught me

What to do when something like this happens to me

Couldn’t you ask me

How I felt?

I didn’t even know what all of it meant

Your hand that I held

It wasn’t to encourage you to touch my chest

But a cry for help

All I had known was 'good' and 'bad' touch

What was the point of

Learning that much

At that moment ?

My seat handle was the only clutch

That stopped that man

From going nuts

Were my shorts too short

Did I look slutty?

But I was just 13

It feels like a big fever dream

Which lasted for 16 hours

Your hands so cold

My tears froze

My mom was so close

How the fuck did you choose

To abuse me right in front of the

Airhostess serving us apple juice

People say,

“Why didn’t you say no “

How would they know ?

To be in that situation

God forbid

There’s no other option

For a 13 year old kid coming back home

From a vacation

Frozen

He doesn’t know what is happening

All he sees is that a man enjoys touching him while he

Is looking out at the skies underneath

It's better to believe it was a game,

A game that you won

Than a life lesson that I learned

From the loss I deserved.

Its been 4 years

And I am still drowning in my tears

Whenever I try to think of

What happened that year .

I tried to love myself ,

Why would a 14 year old kid want to

Loose 20 pounds just to admire himself?

Its not that he didn’t like his chest

Or that he was at his best

He just wanted to lose that weight he had buried underneath it

Tired of keeping up appearances

Thats just a facade

To make people like me in all my graciousness

As sensitive as a thin sheet

But how can I laugh if I don’t breathe

At least I am good at my job

Keeping people believing that I am not lost .

My past is haunted by your ghost.

My heart, glass

Which you shot

And used the shard to scar my heart

Gained 30 pounds

No point in believing yourself

If you believe you are worthless

Already been used

Why would anybody choose me?

Now that I am not pure

How can a man I had never met

Whose name I don't even know,

Had such power

To make me faint every time

I thought of just that one incident

What am I , if

Not a disposed property.

Will I ever feel pretty?

Will I ever feel like a human being?

What do I do if that man

Ever haunts me again?

The coldness of his touch ,

Made me freeze

The lust in his eyes

Made me scream .

He was the book

I was his words

For those 16 hours ,

Every single inch of my body you scarred

Mum was supposed to be my lifeguard

You turned out to be my graveyard

Where Did I go wrong?

Will I ever be worthy of a crown?

Or will I just be a sidepiece in someone

Else’s gown?

People say,

“get over it , its been 4 years “

How do I tell them

For a kid of just 13

Made his entire life unclear

That man didn’t even shed a tear

About the things that every mom fears

their daughters would go through if they ever disappeared

All this is a fact

Happiness is the only thing I lack

My brain intact

But my heart is scattered

What If I keep getting older

But never better?