Blood Spells....

Am I not worth anything, I ask?

Why do I persist in this thankless task?

I must excel in something, deep within,

Yet my mind feels like it's wearing thin.

Why do overachievers become my friends,

As I silently wish for life to end?

Lying on my bed,

Staring at the ceiling's grace,

Praying it would collapse, this unbearable space.

The love for you, Mama, it's still there,

I'm just in a state of turmoil and despair.

It feels like I won't survive this storm,

Vodka's not enough; I need something more, a reform.

We once had a connection so strong,

How can't you see your son's been wronged?

Every part of my being feels under traction's spell,

Are my tears invisible? Can't you tell?

Is there a missing piece in this puzzle we share?

One I haven't shown, one you're unaware?

I'm slipping back into the puddle of pain,

Mama, can't you see, it's driving me insane?

I stopped picking up my friend's calls,

How many times must they witness my falls?

I know she could lend a helping hand,

But I fear she'll think I can't withstand.

With every laugh she shares so bright,

I feel like the one that should take flight,

From the picture she calls her home,

In my darkness, I feel so alone.

My friend reached out, said I'm their everyday confidant,

I wish I could see it as a compliment, but I can't.

I took it as my solemn duty to keep them in good cheer,

None of them could grasp the weight of my despair.

All I seem to do is cry, the pain too real,

They believe healing is the path, but I can't fully heal.

I've tried my best, given all I could feel,

But I don't think I'm equipped to complete that deal.

At least my sister's by my side,

How do I confess I'm struggling to breathe inside?

One off at college, her dreams she's pursuing,

One supporting a family, her love always accruing,

One earning a living, success they're pursuing.

The promise of forever, we once held so tight,

How did we shatter it like it was nothing but slight?

I know I should support your paths and your strives,

But I can't stay frozen at seventeen, where my pain thrives.

Why is it the every moment I breathe

I feel like my head cant take the heat

Produced by thoughts that function as shield

From the parents that ceased

To see me as sweet

What happened mama papa ?

Don’t you love me anymore ?

Weren’t those the words you used to recite

That lived in my head evermore

sInking away at the shore

I know you can’t help but ignore

It’s not ur fault ur son turned to out to be a failure .

Isn’t that what you see me as?

With all the friends being the overachievers

I am the bottom of the barrel

That why u always say

To copy their behaviour.

The talk about not feeling guilt's weight,

As if I didn't give my all, my slate,

To not be succeeding, it's a painful sting,

While friends at the forefront, leading the spring.

It's so frustrating, this constant fight,

Why should it matter, if it's not my true light?

It's just a voice in my head, a persistent plea,

Telling me to do it all, as if it's my decree.

A duty to make my parents proud of the child they've raised,

And to impress neighbours, where my intellect's appraised.

But maybe it's time to find my own dream,

To follow my heart's call, let it gleam.

The wound's still fresh, though I've seen quite a few,

Amidst thousands that grew, my friends withdrew.

I know I must fend for myself, it's true,

In this lonely journey, find my own breakthrough.

The red marks on my wrist, they persist,

Another fit, but they're my own twist.

I believe I deserve them, this peculiar rhythm,

It makes me feel alive, even when they darken my prism.

The pain they bring strangely brings me glee,

Reminds me there's a price for my infidelity.

A source of pain, a strangely guiding flame,

Motivates me to stick to this relentless game.

The rat race, my parents' dream for my name,

In their eyes, the path to fortune and fame,

I can't seem to escape this relentless chase,

But I'll find my own path, my own special place.

Even at my worst

Nobody helped me to get up

I don’t expect them to

Its not a Job that they need to do

It would just be better

If I would be in someone’s top two