HOW ARE YOU????

If I see one more person tell me to have faith,

I might break into something from which I can't heal.

My skin and bones, throw them away like stones.

My smile and roars, let them float away like your soul.

It feels like I have always been alone.

It feels like there's no light for my eyes to see.

It feels like my mind doesn't know what it needs,

because my heart doesn't know how else to be.

How long do I fake a smile?

How long do I act like I have my future in my hands?

How long do I act like it didn't slip away, away into the tides?

I lost it the same way I lost you, small steps and then at once a big dive into its demise.

What is god?

A thing of curse or blessing?

Because I see truth in lies, but purity in burning hell.

If god isn't what it is to be preached, it would make more sense

for a boy like me who walks this earth

why would it punch me to the ground?

I worked hard for what I dreamt of being.

But tell me once, how can I fight a god against my dreams?

Please, choose yourself to be my god,

because how long would it make me sing?

How long will it make me run?

How long will it make me bend?

Please, I can't, I will lose my voice.

Please, I can't, I will break my legs.

Please, I can't, I will break from within.

Now, I am drowning in bougainvillaea,

lost in the wind, floats my dignity’s insignia.

Swinging away with wings of the dust,

Let me live through your spirit and our trust.

I knew I was never the best,

but I know I can reach there,

once I reside in your nest.

I slowly become invisible to myself,

and I might be left a ghost,

but the earth so wanton,

I choose to roam around without a speck of hope.

How to end a war you started?

Achilles heel broken, my will to live departed.

The ribs in me have started to lose themselves.

I can feel myself drifting away from my friends.

It's been 30 days, war's still afoot and keen.

Who's the king, who's the queen?

Who's the hidden, who's the seen?

Who's the soldier, who's the knight?

All I know is that you and I were the ones sacrificed.

I have been running for so long,

I think somewhere, far away in the corn maze,

a small part of myself let go of my hand.

The part that acted as he preached,

the part that worked for his dream,

the part that wanted to be alone,

the part that loved as he spoke.

But now I see a reflection not meant to be,

a body with tainted scars and envious peace,

a black hole creeping into my lungs.

I can feel it spreading like wildfire up my tongue.

I can feel it blackening my poisonous froth.

I can feel it coming out of my mouth.

Help me, I don't know how long I have. Hush, it hurts.

I can feel it running through my veins.

Please, run to me, grab me by my torn shirts.

I don't know how long I have till it captures my entire girth.

I thought I would be stuck at a crossroad,

but now both the roads have drowned.

Where shall my failure mind put its foot down?

I can see a reflection in the water,

light trickling away into the streams.

I see hands etched onto my face.

I see pens sketched into my veins.

I see a boy become a rose freed,

whose thorns made his soul bleed.

But up in the clouds, I see your face,

and you know everything, right?

Can you tell me if should I walk on water or take a leap?

Should I swim or should I let myself slowly go in deep?

Can you tell me what I feel in my core?

Can you tell me where is my matador?

Can you tell me who will end this fucking war?

Can you please tell me what was I made for?

I have butterflies in my eyes,

but a ceiling fan in my mind.

I had 17 spots in my life,

each broke in front of my sight.

It's fine, I just wasn't enough for them,

and that is life, like paper and a pen.

But don't expect me to shine anymore.

My torch left drowned in your shore.

Tell me, I have no strength in me,

so how can I make anything,

if every ingredient is left rotten?

How can I do anything,

if everything in me is broken?

How can I be anything,

if I wasn't the one chosen?

I took a knife to my room

and made some art on my thighs.

I was just too much of a coward to end my life.

Then, I got up and tried to choke myself.

All it left was purple fingerprints on my neck.

So I gave up and started punching my head wrecked.

Lying on the ice-frozen ground,

maybe then I could encounter a butterfly,

who could help me up and be

the man that Dad wished for me to be,

the man that my sisters sought me to be,

the man that my mother lived to see,

but all I am is an invisible ghost with no shape to perceive.

I wish to close my eyes forever,

I am not an angsty teenager making jokes about death.

I am just not strong enough to get out of bed.

I am just too tired to take oxygen out of the air.

I am too tired to still think dreams like mine exist.

I am scared that even if I try to live again,

life won’t shake hands with me, it will pain

me to be alone at the graveyard of my potential.

The steps from my home to heaven now feel sequential,

but somehow I think my words came to life

the day after 18, the real world winked at me.

I finally ended up at the bottom of the barrel.

I finally saw my potential and let it grow barren.

I finally proved my worth to be useless.

I saw my friends for what they were in success.

I finally saw them gaining lovers’ trust,

and I ended up alone in the bathtub of my blood.

It's so endearing for our minds to believe

that what we feel is what we will be,

but I am just a boy whose eyes

had already been drained at thirteen.

In another realm, I tried to refill them again and again.

Another year, I realised wounds heal but the scars still pain.

I know you are somewhere in the starry night.

I need you to know that I have lost what I had seen for my life.

I see the reason you made me drown in my own salt streams

For you so alone up here, you need someone beside you

Don't worry Grandpa, I left for heaven today, just like you

Just for you.